I wrote an email to a female friend of mine. It was in response to an email she wrote me about the small group we’re both in. She hadn’t shown up in a few months till this past Sunday. She showed up with her boyfriend. She wrote me about her observations this Sunday as compared with her previous encounters. Prior to this she had felt somewhat ostracized by the group, but this time she felt loved on by everyone. While this is good and I’m sure at least some of it can be attributed to growth, I wonder if it’s because she has a boyfriend this time? This means two things: 1. to the other women she’s no longer a threat (by the way she’s a very attractive woman) and 2. The guys won’t be all over her. I have to admit, the impetus for me to contact her out of the blue a few months ago was because I was feeling rather lonely and I wanted to try to strike up an email chain with an attractive Christian woman. Well I’ve succeeded in this, but she’s seeing someone else.
So this got me to thinking about the dynamics of singles groups, the selfish folks (in the form of opportunists) which generally populate these groups and the general state of singleness in the church. Fortunately I recognized my selfishness before I even sent the first email to this friend. I prayed to God before I sent of the email, changed a few things and tried my best to word it in a brotherly, versus desperate man seeking woman way. Keeping in mind 1 Timothy 5:2. Without going into details this friend has some very serious things going on in her life and I wanted to encourage her as best I could. However, I was still hopeful something would grow between us.
Anyway, this all got me to thinking why are so many folks in the church so unfriendly? Speaking for the singles I think there are 3 possibilities: 1. Insecurity. 2. These groups are full of opportunists. Everyone continually summing up others with the question “What can this person do for me?”. 3. The guarded heart syndrome.
I’d like to spend a few moments on ‘The Guarded Heart Syndrome’ which seems to be pervasive in singles groups. Both men (I’ve probably been caught up in this) and women are prone to this. However, women are by far the biggest culprits. I believe I’ve discussed this issue already, so I won’t dedicate too much time to this, but there has been a huge misunderstanding, of this subject. Women use it and hide behind the notion that it's the man’s responsibility to pursue them. While true, this doesn't negate the woman's responsibility to be at least a little bit vulnerable and emotionally available. Been hurt before? Join the crowd. Unless you want to become a Buddhist, you’re going to have to learn to deal with pain (see my ‘Why Pain’ article). If it’s the man’s responsibility to pursue then it’s the woman’s responsibility to be mature and confident enough to be at least somewhat emotionally available and vulnerable to men during the pursuit. Guys, on the other hand, when employing this, hide behind the delusion of the perfect woman and end up rarely asking any women out.
Human beings are such opportunists. Both men and women are terrible at this. Men, if there’s no chance of getting a date or no physical attraction, then why waste any time with her? Women, if you can’t see yourselves married to the guy within 5 minutes of first meeting him, then why waste anymore time on him? To answer both of these questions: because God told us to. How can you encourage someone, if you don’t interact with them? We need to focus off of our own desires and focus on Jesus Christ. If we'd stop continually being opportunists in the way we relate to others, we'd be able to better relate to others and fellowship could be something much more then it is. This would help to knock down a lot of these barriers we place between us now. Stop looking at the end, when it truly is the means which matters most.
Finally, we are all insecure about something, to one extent or another. Again we can’t be so afraid of getting hurt that we stay inside our shells like a frightened turtle. My pastor said something interesting this past Sunday. He said, “In order for someone to get to know me better, I have to allow them to get to know me.” The context doesn’t matter and the statement is obvious, but it still got me thinking. I started to see how insecurities play right into this guarding my heart crap. Well if you want that guy to ask you out or you want to go out with a certain woman, you’re going to have to be vulnerable and trust in the Lord.
3 comments:
Bill,
I also think the whol attitude of people being opportunistic is seen in the general way in which people go about seeking friendships. Matt and I have befriended this guy named Brett. Brett is a nice guy but he does not stick out in any way and therefore is over looked by others. I think there is a tendency towards seeking friendships with people who will make us liked by others or make us look better in general. There is value in seeking friendships with those who do not have the charisma, charm or good looks that will attract people to them.
Perhaps your friend who now has a boyfriend is seen as possesing one of those attributes now that she has a boyfriend. It may have very little to do with compitition and more to do with her success in dating. Perhaps she comes across more confident and people respond better to that.
Tom
Regarding my friend I think we're both right, depending on the person in question.
Now regarding friendships, I also believe you're perspective is correct, under certain circumstances with specific people.
Take Brett, for instance, he seems to be a very nice guy, but I couldn't see myself ever befriending him the way you and Matt have. I just don't feel like we'd ever have much to talk about.
I will be the first person to admit that I typically pursue friendships with people who: 1. seem to want a friendship with me and 2. who seem to challenge me in some way (mentally, physically, spiritually, etc...). Now let me distinguish between friendship and discipleship. Even Jesus was very intentional about who He chose to be close with, but yet He sacrificed Himself for the world. Friendship requires a desire on the part of two people to both get to know one another better and allow the other person to get to know them. This is completely seperate from loving relationships, like discipleship. I can love someone in Christ and have 0 desire to be friends with them or even trust them much.
There are just some people out there who are very difficult to get to know. For whatever reason I can't break through with them. Perhaps it's because they lack the self-confidence to open up? Perhaps our life perspectives are completely different? Whatever the reason I'm not going to force myself on someone who in my opinion doesn't seem to interested in getting to know me better.
All I'm saying is that my closest friends were very easy for me to get to know and have proved themselves to be trustworthy godly men. Of course in one way or another we all share several commonalities, but isn't this what makes close friendships? Perhaps you're right about some folks, but it's difficult for me to see your perspective. I certainly don't mean to dismiss it, it just doesn't click with me personally. I've never been one to be impressed or attracted to charismatic people or cared much about popularity or what people think of me (I stress not much, as of course I do care to an extent). I cared more about being around genuine people who care about me and who I can understand and who can understand me. Of course I've always been one to value uniqueness.
All I'm saying is don't be too quick to establish other folks motives. I'm sure there are several folks who fit your discription or mine, but I'm sure there are still others who fit neither and have a good reason for their actions. I say this to myself as much as you.
Hey Bill,
Been a while since I've had some time to read your insightful posts. Excellent points made here. I applaud your brothers for making the effort to love on someone who doesn't appear to have many friends. God is greatly delighted, I'm sure, and will bless them for it.
You make a good distinction between "friendship" and "discipleship" categories. I too don't believe we're called to be friends with everyone who buys us a twinkie. Friendship seems to be quite unpredictable too. Many guys/girls I thought I'd even have too hard a time "discipling" ended up being strong friends. Anyway, you've already discussed this thoroughly and accurately. Thanks...
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