Ok so I’m a bit of Seal fan.
During the same conversation about whether or not the Bible indicates Jesus did a pop-in on hell we also discussed dating and some of the issues and frustrations faced by both sexes in the Christian universe, versus the Marvel or DC universes (for any former or current comic book fans). Anyway, specifically we discussed whether kissing is acceptable or not in dating. I just had a flashback of high school. For some reason this topic seems like such a high school-ish topic. However, I believe many Christians struggle with this, or worse don’t even think about the consequences.
First I’ll look at the definition of kiss: “to touch with the lips especially as a mark of affection or greeting”. In its purest form a kiss is innocent. As Christians we are actually encouraged to kiss one another: Romans 16:16, 1 Corinthians 16:20, 2 Corinthians 13:12 & 1 Thessalonians 5:26. Not to get on too much of a rabbit trail, but how often do we see or participate in this holy kiss? Also how often do we see and participate in hugging each other? God has provided these two forms of physical contact as means of encouragement for the body, in a plutonic sense of course. 1 Timothy 5:2 teaches men how we ought to view and treat our sisters in Christ (single or married, it makes no difference).
Honestly to me most of my brothers and sisters seem very 2 dimensional to me. We are so uptight we can’t even make ourselves vulnerable enough to obey the Word, even though it’s good for us. And we wonder why depression is such a huge issue in our culture. We’re physical beings created for physical interaction. This is why it feels good to be and get hugged or kissed. However, this would be a complete 180 in our perspective on physical touching. Physical touching (up to and including sex in marriage) should be a form of affection and encouragement. It should always be about the other person. Perhaps because we disobey scripture which states that we should engage in more physical encouragement, we now struggle with sinful physical contact in dating relationships? This is my belief, at least, as to the why kissing has become any kind of an issue in Christian dating relationships.
So I’ve established there’s nothing wrong with kissing or hugging for holy encouragement. However, if we look again at 1 Timothy 5:2 as scripture which is not only directed at the men, but also the women, we will see that it is the woman’s responsibility to encourage the men to treat them with absolute purity.
So we come to the question: Is kissing ok in a Christian dating relationship or not? First I’ll reference the 10 commandments and Matthew 5:27-28. So yes it’s ok to kiss your boyfriend or girlfriend, provided you can do it without disobeying Matthew 5:27-28 and 1 Timothy 5:2. My question is; why not simply wait till marriage? Is Christ glorified by engaging in this act prior to marriage? Are you somehow drawn closer to God? Someone once told me that I ought not engage in any activity with my girlfriend which I wouldn’t with my own flesh and blood sister, at least prior to marriage (not the sister). Now I don’t have a sister, but this seems fairly simple to me.
Another predicament is with the women folk. Most women I’ve known seem to almost need this intimate level of physical touch to know the guy loves them or cares about them. For me personally I would most likely be breaking Jesus Christ’s commandment in Matthew 5:27-28, if I were to kiss a woman I’m dating. Also, plenty of guys kiss women, even have sex with women, they don’t really care for at all, so I’m not sure I completely buy what my female friends are telling me. In my opinion this all comes down to sinful/selfish desire. I believe both men and women feed off of each others desire for one another.
Everyone wants to be wanted, but it’s where we look for this ownership that’s the concern. We should be looking to Jesus and His desire for us. I realize many single men and women roll their eyes at this topic or perhaps label someone with my convictions as a prude, but I believe judgment is that big of a deal. I also don’t want to have to bear the weight of guilt from being intimately involved with a woman (essentially claiming ownership of her body) and then rejecting her. I believe that kissing is part of sex. The initial step, but sex none the less. Ownership comes with marriage. Any form of physical intimacy before marriage is selfishly claiming ownership without any form of commitment.
In conclusion, why not try to communicate with your significant other using non sexual methods, like talking or writing or giving flowers or gifts or physically with hugs and holy kisses? 50% of all marriages in the church fail. That’s keeping up with the world, so we're doing something wrong. Maybe some of these marriages would’ve worked out if both parties weren’t so selfish, waited for marriage and learned to communicate with each other?
Just my 2 cents.
7 comments:
So what is a holy kiss? Is it a lip shot or a cheek peck?
French of course. ;)
Tell me you guys are not trying to rationalize make out sessions. Such heavy duty intimacy should be kept to a marriage relationship in my opinion. In regards to the proof-testing kiss, Sam, a guy who really doesn't love you can exploit that and completely feign desire in order to feed his lust. I think a man's loyalty and professed love, in spite of lacking physical intimacy, shout desire and devotion.
Hey Sam, apologies, but my comment was posted before your second one was available to read.
"i'm just afraid that when we decide to err on the side of caution, we forget that we're still 'erring'...."
Are we really erring, though? I see sacrifice, but not error.
The whole thing sounds like playing with fire to me. Hearts are broken and single moms are bred for the sake of satiating a longing for desire. As strong a woman as you are, Sam, please don't test your limits.
There are plenty of cultures which still practice plutonic kissing and hugging. Brazil for starters. Brazilians are very physical folks. I believe Italians and Jews also fall into this category. We here in the US, on the other hand, are very standoffish and immature about physical displays of affection and read too much into these displays.
Aside from a man's struggle with lust and pertinent scripture against such activity, there is the high potential for a broken relationship. I've been involved in a couple myself. What about other folks we know? Thank God I was able to walk away from these relationships with a relatively clear conscience. I don't know too many Christian women who can handle a broken relationship and simply forgive, forget and move on with their lives because their relationship with God is that solid and the physical affection they engaged in with their ex was that pure.
I had a conversation about this very topic with a friend of mine last night. He basically indicated most of this is all academic. He said when we’re single we read all these books about singleness and struggle with how we should dress or act or what we should or shouldn’t do and then after a relatively short time of dating someone, get married. I wish it were that easy for me. I date a woman, then another, then another with the same end result.
Anyway Sam, if you’re a strong believer in kissing for validation of desire then I seriously doubt you, or most women, will have an issue with this. Me and Greg are most definitely in a very very small minority on this subject. Most guys, Christian or otherwise, fall into one of two categories on this subject: 1. Will selfishly go as far as they can physically with a woman (without crossing their own moral line) or 2. will quite easily bend to the desires or will or their girlfriends. Of course no self respecting church going male would ever admit to either of these, or perhaps doesn’t realize it, but I believe I’m pretty close to the mark.
Here are the two roads we have to chose from: Are we seeking validation, comfort, wealth, material possessions, sex, fame, power or are we seeking a partnership, friendship, companionship, respect, love and ultimately the glory of Jesus Christ? Really it's not whether to kiss or not to kiss, it's about Jesus Christ. It always has to come back to Him somehow and if we don't understand how it could, then we need to get back into prayer and the Word to find out.
Sam,
If I was computer savvy enough I'd video tape your hand motions and post them under your commments. ;)
It's all good. I think I can speak for Greg and state that none of us really have the definitive answer on this topic and we all have some amount of weakness in this area. Only Jesus has the definitive answer and the best any of us can do is look at His Word and use our personal experiences and observations. We're just three opinionated folks expressing our thoughts on a hot topic. That's one of the reasons I started this blog. My hope was that this blog could be a good forum for discussing thoughts and ideas. Since our culture is so far from the early church (ie we don't fellowship daily in church) this new form of computer communication is a good substitute forum for discussing Christian ideas and topics.
I really do appreciate your opinions, especially on this topic, and I'm betting Greg does as well. We don't need to all agree on this issue, but through discussion we can at least learn to empathize we each others perspectives.
Yup. That pretty much sums up my thoughts, Bill.
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