The Independent Heart

God is truly never willing to settle with our current state (thank you Jesus!). His hatred of sin has no bounds. I feel a large reason God hates sin in us so much is because of His love for us, since sin is ultimately self-destructive. This is further demonstrated by the sacrifice of His son Jesus Christ. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son.” Sometimes I wonder if right after this it would be said “For God so hated sin…?” I believe a large reason, as a believer, God has given me His Holy Spirit is to help me move past my own sins (something I’m incapable of on my own). The Holy Spirit provides for me what years and $1000s could never provide. That is healing and full deliverance from sin. Many times the best any psychologist can do is to provide tools (mental exercises, pills, etc…), clarity, band aids and distractions for issues, but never actually healing. How can a broken sinful person heal another broken sinful person? Isn’t this the blind leading the blind? However, I do believe God has gifted certain people with discernment, wisdom and compassion in order to help lead others to healing, by leading them to God. (Romans 6 & 8)

Anyway, in August of 2010 God provided healing in an area of my life which had plagued me for a long time. For so long I believed this issue, if God ever healed me, would be this huge step towards being fixed. Like this was the one issue hindering me in every area of my life. While I’m eternally thankful for this healing, I almost feel let down. I’m still broken and I still have many issues and sins holding me back in my life. However, it’s funny that this way of thinking leads directly to another huge sin struggle in my life. INDEPENDENCE!!!

The other night I was talking with my roommate about a struggle I was having with depression. He shared some insights and I shared some viewpoints & memories. I shared a memory of my dad after he got back from his open heart surgery in the mid-80’s. My dad had an artificial valve put into his body as a result of a birth defect (which eventually led to his death). When he got home he was this weak frail person, not at all like the strong man who went into the hospital. He also brought home all these medications, some of which he told me he’d have to take for the rest of his life. I was almost appalled at this. I couldn’t believe my dad was going to have to be on medications for the rest of his life. Until my dad passed away he was on this medication. I think I was most disturbed by the fact that my dad would have to be dependent on something.

After sharing these memories my roommate suggested we pray. While I was praying (in the name of Jesus Christ) I rebuked any kind of satanic attack which was coming against me to make me feel depressed. Almost immediately I felt released from a large portion of depression (if that makes sense?). I knew this would work since the name of Jesus Christ is feared by the enemy and his minions. However, this isn’t the point of my sharing this story. The point, or rather the problem, is in why I waited so long to do this. Believe it or not most of the time I’m willing to wait out my various struggles. I’d rather be miserable and lonely many times than have to admit I need God on a daily basis. I knew the name of Jesus Christ would do what it did, but I didn’t want to use it. If I’m honest I’m still that disturbed young boy who couldn’t believe his strong dad had to have this crutch for the rest of his life. “You have to take those pills forever?” Now this boy has grown up to say: “I have to rely on God everyday?! Further He wants a relationship with me?!” No, if I’m honest I only want God to intersect my life when I feel I need Him. “Ok God I give you permission to step into my life and heal this area or drive away the enemy or provide me with a wife or provide me with a new job. Do these things for me then let me put it into cruise until the next time I need you.” Again if I’m honest I want to be in control of my life. I want the glory for my accomplishments and I want to run it. I want to fix myself. However, when I finally come up against a wall that’s when I call on God. I can’t heal my mom, other family members and friend’s family members so I have to get God involved, like He’s my special power in a video game which I can use but need to wait for it to replenish before I can use it again. However, unlike the game, God’s power is His own and not innate in me.

Now if someone is actually reading this I don’t mean to trash myself, belittle the work God has done in my life or the name of Jesus Christ or make it seem like I’m this guy who is always this prideful jackass or something. I know God has done much work in me and that through Jesus Christ He continues this work. I know that I’ve done good and shown good to others, through the grace and healing of Jesus Christ in my life. So I don’t mean to belittle any of this, nor the encouragement or good works I may have done to other, by perhaps communicating that I’m this arrogant ass who always pushes God away and wants to plant my flag and tell God to do His thing while I do mine. I’m trying to make the point that there is no perfection (other than Jesus Christ) this side of eternity. When Lazarus was raised from the dead he still died again and I guarantee he still struggled with sin till he died, the second time. While it’s awesome that Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead and He released me from a sin struggle, this isn’t the primary reason I ought to follow God. I should rather rejoice that my name is in the book of life. (Luke 10:17-20)

If I look at my life and the work God has done in it I find what I’ll call “defining moments”. Here are a few I can recall”

1. Accepting Jesus Christ as my savior at age 6. Yes age 6. No I’m not stating I was attending church since age 6 and then really came to know the Lord at age 21 or some later age. Age 6! I state this emphatically because I feel like most Christians I run into (especially those in ministry) roll their eyes at me when I say this, just like I feel like they roll their eyes at the notion of actual miracles or the existence of the spiritual world and how it really does powerfully intersect with our own. Anyway, I digress…

2. My dad’s heart surgery. Age 11-13 (can’t remember my actual age). Some interesting things happened during this time, not to mention almost losing my dad.

3. Graduating high school/starting college. An interesting metamorphosis occurred during this time. More than any other time in my life I remember the most profound changes to my personality took place in college. I went from the nerdy outsider to more of a party guy. I reinvented myself. I hated being the outsider and alone so much (I still loath being alone as much as I am). So I was determined to change that now that I was around a whole new group of people.

4. Graduating college. Even though I didn’t commit many of the sins attributed to the college life, I did put God in the backseat of my life during college. Being popular was more important than God at this point of my life. However, I did experience my first “encounter” with the Holy Spirit my last year of college. I felt like I needed to know I was moving out of whatever spiritual protection my parents afforded me and out on my own. I also felt a sense of shame for not having more concern for those God put into my life during my time in college. For the most part I simply went along with whatever everyone else was doing. The only thing is that I maintained certain boundaries.

5. I’ll just state that I had an encounter with the seedier side of life in my mid-20’s. Instead of being repulsed, I found myself strangely and darkly attracted to it. I felt very disturbed and troubled in my spirit. I suppose I could state this was my 2^nd memorable “encounter” with the Holy Spirit. I promised myself and God I would never imbibe in this again.

6. Late 20’s. What propelled me to popularity in college? How I acted when I got drunk. No inhabitations, crazy, lampshade on the head guy. Well it worked in college so why not the professional world? Well it did work. I gained instant respect and admiration from my work colleagues after I got drunk and funny crazy after they took me to this pizza fest thing. My 3^rd “encounter” with the Holy Spirit. I feel like God distinctly told me I could never get drunk again and that I had to apologize to every one of my coworkers who saw how I had acted. Even though they admired me I was to humble myself before them. God will not be mocked.

7. My dad passing away. This hit me in ways I never thought it would. Something changed inside me again. The legacy he left. The stories my mother told me about my dad. TV always depicts these horrible truths which come out after someone dies. However, with my dad it was these amazing stories of faith and love. I started to wonder about my legacy. What impact would I have on the kingdom?

8. August 2010. Jesus releases me from a long time bondage. Didn’t happen until I humbled myself. All these years and it took the simple act of humbleness to open the door for freedom and healing.

9. I’m hoping and praying this is a release from the wickedness of an independent spirit.