The Independent Heart

God is truly never willing to settle with our current state (thank you Jesus!). His hatred of sin has no bounds. I feel a large reason God hates sin in us so much is because of His love for us, since sin is ultimately self-destructive. This is further demonstrated by the sacrifice of His son Jesus Christ. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son.” Sometimes I wonder if right after this it would be said “For God so hated sin…?” I believe a large reason, as a believer, God has given me His Holy Spirit is to help me move past my own sins (something I’m incapable of on my own). The Holy Spirit provides for me what years and $1000s could never provide. That is healing and full deliverance from sin. Many times the best any psychologist can do is to provide tools (mental exercises, pills, etc…), clarity, band aids and distractions for issues, but never actually healing. How can a broken sinful person heal another broken sinful person? Isn’t this the blind leading the blind? However, I do believe God has gifted certain people with discernment, wisdom and compassion in order to help lead others to healing, by leading them to God. (Romans 6 & 8)

Anyway, in August of 2010 God provided healing in an area of my life which had plagued me for a long time. For so long I believed this issue, if God ever healed me, would be this huge step towards being fixed. Like this was the one issue hindering me in every area of my life. While I’m eternally thankful for this healing, I almost feel let down. I’m still broken and I still have many issues and sins holding me back in my life. However, it’s funny that this way of thinking leads directly to another huge sin struggle in my life. INDEPENDENCE!!!

The other night I was talking with my roommate about a struggle I was having with depression. He shared some insights and I shared some viewpoints & memories. I shared a memory of my dad after he got back from his open heart surgery in the mid-80’s. My dad had an artificial valve put into his body as a result of a birth defect (which eventually led to his death). When he got home he was this weak frail person, not at all like the strong man who went into the hospital. He also brought home all these medications, some of which he told me he’d have to take for the rest of his life. I was almost appalled at this. I couldn’t believe my dad was going to have to be on medications for the rest of his life. Until my dad passed away he was on this medication. I think I was most disturbed by the fact that my dad would have to be dependent on something.

After sharing these memories my roommate suggested we pray. While I was praying (in the name of Jesus Christ) I rebuked any kind of satanic attack which was coming against me to make me feel depressed. Almost immediately I felt released from a large portion of depression (if that makes sense?). I knew this would work since the name of Jesus Christ is feared by the enemy and his minions. However, this isn’t the point of my sharing this story. The point, or rather the problem, is in why I waited so long to do this. Believe it or not most of the time I’m willing to wait out my various struggles. I’d rather be miserable and lonely many times than have to admit I need God on a daily basis. I knew the name of Jesus Christ would do what it did, but I didn’t want to use it. If I’m honest I’m still that disturbed young boy who couldn’t believe his strong dad had to have this crutch for the rest of his life. “You have to take those pills forever?” Now this boy has grown up to say: “I have to rely on God everyday?! Further He wants a relationship with me?!” No, if I’m honest I only want God to intersect my life when I feel I need Him. “Ok God I give you permission to step into my life and heal this area or drive away the enemy or provide me with a wife or provide me with a new job. Do these things for me then let me put it into cruise until the next time I need you.” Again if I’m honest I want to be in control of my life. I want the glory for my accomplishments and I want to run it. I want to fix myself. However, when I finally come up against a wall that’s when I call on God. I can’t heal my mom, other family members and friend’s family members so I have to get God involved, like He’s my special power in a video game which I can use but need to wait for it to replenish before I can use it again. However, unlike the game, God’s power is His own and not innate in me.

Now if someone is actually reading this I don’t mean to trash myself, belittle the work God has done in my life or the name of Jesus Christ or make it seem like I’m this guy who is always this prideful jackass or something. I know God has done much work in me and that through Jesus Christ He continues this work. I know that I’ve done good and shown good to others, through the grace and healing of Jesus Christ in my life. So I don’t mean to belittle any of this, nor the encouragement or good works I may have done to other, by perhaps communicating that I’m this arrogant ass who always pushes God away and wants to plant my flag and tell God to do His thing while I do mine. I’m trying to make the point that there is no perfection (other than Jesus Christ) this side of eternity. When Lazarus was raised from the dead he still died again and I guarantee he still struggled with sin till he died, the second time. While it’s awesome that Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead and He released me from a sin struggle, this isn’t the primary reason I ought to follow God. I should rather rejoice that my name is in the book of life. (Luke 10:17-20)

If I look at my life and the work God has done in it I find what I’ll call “defining moments”. Here are a few I can recall”

1. Accepting Jesus Christ as my savior at age 6. Yes age 6. No I’m not stating I was attending church since age 6 and then really came to know the Lord at age 21 or some later age. Age 6! I state this emphatically because I feel like most Christians I run into (especially those in ministry) roll their eyes at me when I say this, just like I feel like they roll their eyes at the notion of actual miracles or the existence of the spiritual world and how it really does powerfully intersect with our own. Anyway, I digress…

2. My dad’s heart surgery. Age 11-13 (can’t remember my actual age). Some interesting things happened during this time, not to mention almost losing my dad.

3. Graduating high school/starting college. An interesting metamorphosis occurred during this time. More than any other time in my life I remember the most profound changes to my personality took place in college. I went from the nerdy outsider to more of a party guy. I reinvented myself. I hated being the outsider and alone so much (I still loath being alone as much as I am). So I was determined to change that now that I was around a whole new group of people.

4. Graduating college. Even though I didn’t commit many of the sins attributed to the college life, I did put God in the backseat of my life during college. Being popular was more important than God at this point of my life. However, I did experience my first “encounter” with the Holy Spirit my last year of college. I felt like I needed to know I was moving out of whatever spiritual protection my parents afforded me and out on my own. I also felt a sense of shame for not having more concern for those God put into my life during my time in college. For the most part I simply went along with whatever everyone else was doing. The only thing is that I maintained certain boundaries.

5. I’ll just state that I had an encounter with the seedier side of life in my mid-20’s. Instead of being repulsed, I found myself strangely and darkly attracted to it. I felt very disturbed and troubled in my spirit. I suppose I could state this was my 2^nd memorable “encounter” with the Holy Spirit. I promised myself and God I would never imbibe in this again.

6. Late 20’s. What propelled me to popularity in college? How I acted when I got drunk. No inhabitations, crazy, lampshade on the head guy. Well it worked in college so why not the professional world? Well it did work. I gained instant respect and admiration from my work colleagues after I got drunk and funny crazy after they took me to this pizza fest thing. My 3^rd “encounter” with the Holy Spirit. I feel like God distinctly told me I could never get drunk again and that I had to apologize to every one of my coworkers who saw how I had acted. Even though they admired me I was to humble myself before them. God will not be mocked.

7. My dad passing away. This hit me in ways I never thought it would. Something changed inside me again. The legacy he left. The stories my mother told me about my dad. TV always depicts these horrible truths which come out after someone dies. However, with my dad it was these amazing stories of faith and love. I started to wonder about my legacy. What impact would I have on the kingdom?

8. August 2010. Jesus releases me from a long time bondage. Didn’t happen until I humbled myself. All these years and it took the simple act of humbleness to open the door for freedom and healing.

9. I’m hoping and praying this is a release from the wickedness of an independent spirit.

Moving Against the Grain

Pushing up against the wind

Punching my fist against the breeze

Flights of fancy and of discontentment

Fills my head with disturbed dreams and I seize

Always slipping on your ice

Crashing into everything twice

Always flying past my dreams

Sometimes it’s how everything seems

Lighting a candle to never forget

The lessons learned and people I’ve met

Patiently waiting to reach that peak

In hope I stand, but it’s you I seek.

Always slipping on your ice

Crashing into everything twice

Always flying past my dreams

Sometimes it’s how everything seems

Pounds on my heart like some ancient hammer

Remembering a time of possibilities and of passion

A love unreproached and unrequited

Finds me standing in the corner of quiet

Unclean Spirits

Matthew 12:43-45

⁴³ “When an unclean spirit goes out of a man, he goes through dry places, seeking rest, and finds none. ⁴⁴ Then he says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when he comes, he finds it empty, swept, and put in order. ⁴⁵ Then he goes and takes with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man is worse than the first. So shall it also be with this wicked generation.”

During a recent conversation this verse was used in relation to unclean sins (adultery, fornication, porn addictions, etc…) among believers. I’d never considered these verses in relation to sin and spiritual warfare. I always thought these verses referred to demon possession, which I dismissed as something believers wouldn’t have to worry about, only be aware of. However, this new interpretation has severe implications to the body of Christ, specifically with regards to how certain sins are dealt with (deliverance and recovery). Now it’s not enough to be delivered of a sin. The void, which was previously filled by sin, has to be filled by something else or else things could get much worse. This something else must be the Holy Spirit. The question is how to fill this void with the Holy Spirit.

The problem is this void was initially not created by the symptom (addiction), but was created by an unmet need, most likely early on in life, which took a dark turn. Our flesh will tend to find what it perceives as the quickest route to medicating pain (emotional or physical). So we see that the approach pastors like Mark Driscoll (and most pastors) take with addiction does more harm than good. It’s like telling a junkie to stop taking drugs because they may get AIDS or die if they don’t stop. You can’t reason with a junkie!! What can you do? Well you can love on a junkie. You can pray for a junkie. You can even take away their drugs. What typically happens after a junkie gets clean? They may stay clean for a while, but once life gets to them again, once they feel that darkness and pain creeping up on them, what seems to always happen? They get back on the drugs. “As a dog returns to his own vomit, So a fool repeats his folly.” Proverbs 26:11. However, how often have I committed folly? Haven’t we all acted foolishly at one time of another? How many times have I returned to my vomit?

A dear friend of mine and brother in Christ is consumed with conspiracy theories. He’s allowed himself to be intrigued and taken in by people who themselves are consumed. He reads books and researches articles online trying to find that secret knowledge that only a few supposedly know. This secret, or select, knowledge is that Satan and his dark ilk are behind many, if not all, bad things which happen around the world. Without getting too much into what he believes, I’ll just state that I don’t necessarily disagree with my friends findings. The bible states that we contend with the dark powers of this world and not flesh and blood. What I have trouble with is how much it consumes him. I see this as a “void-filler” and I believe these void fillers are many and varied and spiritual. Further these “void-fillers” become increasingly more difficult to move away from the longer we remained imprisoned by them.

Romans 8:31-37

These verses show us that there is a way out. There is a way to be set free from our prisons. Jesus has bought this path for us. However, for some reason it’s not as easy as flipping a switch. These verses are powerful and to me they seem to indicate it’s so easy to be more than a conqueror. However, if we’re all honest with ourselves it’s not easy at all, at least not most of the time. God prefers patience, prayer and a striving for true holiness. Still, as believers, this is not an excuse to allow sin to reign in our bodies.

Romans 6:12-13

Unfortunately there is no easy fix. Prayer, reading the bible, real transparent fellowship/service and accountability are the best tools we have to combat the effects of sin. However, the scariest and most effective weapon is truly and deeply trusting in God and fervently seeking a real and deeper relationship with Jesus Christ. If I’m honest with myself, however, this is very difficult for me. It’s much easier for me to seek out relationships with tangible flesh and blood people. While God calls us to be in relationship with people, no one, other than Jesus Christ, has the answers to our voids. I believe that if we truly knew God and trusted Him completely we wouldn’t struggle with sin nearly as much.

My Error... Again

Ecclesiastes 7:28 NKJV

"Which my soul still seeks but I cannot find: One man among a thousand I have found, But a woman among all these I have not found."

I recently used this verse in a non-Christlike manner. The tone was jocular, but part of the meaning, if I'm honest, stemmed from a root of bitterness and hurt. Especially considering the audience included a few women. So there's my confession of sin.

So what's the true meaning of this verse? Is the meaning men are terrible but women are worse? This meaning doesn't hold up to the teachings of scripture.

Consider the following verses in relation to the above:

Ecclesiastes 7:20 NKJV
"For there is not a just man on earth who does good
And does not sin."

Ecclesiastes 7:20, 29 NKJV
"For there is not a just man on earth who does good
And does not sin. Truly, this only I have found:
That God made man upright,
But they have sought out many schemes.”

Psalm 14:2-3 NKJV
"The Lord looks down from heaven upon the children of men, To see if there are any who understand, who seek God. They have all turned aside, They have together become corrupt; There is none who does good,
No, not one."

This verse in Psalms is also repeated in the NT.

Here's what Jesus says:

Matthew 19:17 NKJV
So He said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good but One, that is, God. But if you want to enter into life, keep the commandments.”

In any of these other verses is there any indication that women are worse or bigger sinners than men? Even Solomon states at the beginning of the misused verse that he's seeking and not finding. So the word teaches that all men are wicked, dead (not injured) in our transgressions. There is no distinction in the sexes, other than in roles and responsibilities. Men are able to glorify God in one way and women in another. Christ Himself teaches that in Heaven we will be spiritual beings, no distinction and no one given in marriage.

Matthew 22:29-30 NKJV
Jesus answered and said to them, “You are mistaken, not knowing the Scriptures nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels of God in heaven.

So I was mistaken and wrong in my use of the above verse. God has given me, by His grace in Jesus Christ, a spirit of encouragement and ability to understand and teach. However, when I ignore this I'm ignoring the gift given by God Himself to minister and strengthen His people, not to feed my flesh and lash out in pain. Is He sufficient for me or isn't He?

The problem with Idols

This is a copy of a brief talk I gave as part of a group I'm going on a missions trip with:

Joshua 24:14-15

“Now therefore, fear the LORD, serve Him in sincerity and in truth, and put away the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the River and in Egypt. Serve the LORD! And if it seems evil to you to serve the LORD, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.”

This should be a convicting verse for every believer. All too often I find myself drawn away from God by other seemingly more tangible idols. All Joshua is really doing here is reiterating the first commandment, yet with a definite sense of urgency. Joshua is first pointing out (prior to these verses) what God has done for His people. Starting with verse 14, however, he’s commanding them how to serve God, followed by a choice to not serve Him. He concludes this with a simple, yet significant statement of faith. He’s saying that his faith isn’t contingent on everyone else’s. Regardless of how an entire nation decides to go, Joshua has declared that he and his house will serve the Lord.

The conclusion I get from these verses is:

1. I must first get rid of anything in my life which I put before God. Sometimes sincere prayer and/or fasting (not just from food) can reveal potential idols or humbly asking a close friend to provide suggestions.

2. I must make a choice and then stick with it. God doesn’t look kindly on not sticking with decisions or doubting Him. Revelation 3:15-16 “I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth.” Or if we consider Lot’s wife in her moment of doubt and what happened to her. She missed her old life, doubted God and disobeyed His direct commands.

3. It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. I can’t control the emotions or decisions of others, nor can I allow myself to be dragged away with the choice of the masses. Might, or numbers, doesn’t make right! God is offering a personal relationship with Himself, nothing more or less. This decision cannot be contingent on the views or decisions of other people.

2 Timothy 2:11-13

“This is a faithful saying: For if we died with Him, We shall also live with Him. If we endure,
We shall also reign with Him. If we deny Him, He also will deny us. If we are faithless,
He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself.

The key part of the verse, to me at least, is the last bit: “If we are faithless,
He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself.”

What does this mean?

God’s promises aren’t dependent on us at all. This means we can’t screw it up!!! This is huge!

3 Days

Therefore, when they had come together, they asked Him, saying, “Lord, will You at this time restore the kingdom to Israel?” Acts 1:6

As a Christian I find many times my will and God’s don’t line up. As a man of the flesh I desire to have what I want when I want it, in my timing. I’ve come to realize I don’t fully realize the power of the enemy or of my flesh. I know my flesh has a very loud voice and it gets so much louder the more its comforts are denied or being stripped away. If you’ve ever known someone who is dying then you know the pull the flesh has on who we are. Many people when they know their time is coming will focus on their comforts and become completely selfish and seemingly completely unaware of anyone else. Why does sin seem to have such a power pull on me?

“Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Matthew 26:41

It’s so easy to read about the first disciples and think they were so stupid, like they just could never get it. Why were they so focused on fleshly concerned even though Christ continually corrected them? Look at the above verse in Acts 1. Even after Jesus rose from the dead they still couldn’t shake their desire to have the once glorious nation and power restored to them, a fleeting empire of man, when all along Jesus was referring to the kingdom of heaven.

As I was pondering this I thought back to Judas Iscariot, the great betrayer. I wondered if I’m any better than he was. What was his sin? What motivated him? Was he more evil than the rest? Judas was one of the 12. He was in the inner circle. He saw firsthand the many miracles of Jesus. He had to know Jesus was somebody, a great prophet at the least, a man of God certainly. Yet he still betrayed Him. Why? It’s too easy to dismiss Judas as just this evil betrayer, but there is a lesson we can all take away. It’s the dangers of having no self control or discipline and allowing sin to run wild, while believing all the lies of the enemy. I believe our preoccupation with the Judas' and Hitler's of the world has a lot to do with the fact that the same struggle with sin these men had we all also have. Why did they do it? “For all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—is not of the Father but is of the world.” (1 John 2:16)

Was Judas’ ultimate display of sin his betrayal of Jesus? Peter betrayed Jesus by denying Him and yet what did Jesus say in Matthew 10:33? “But whoever denies Me before men, him I will also deny before My Father who is in heaven.” To me it seems very clear that Peter would be sent to hell for his sin and yet it seems clear he was forgiven and redeemed. So what’s the difference between Peter and Judas? They both betrayed Jesus, they both felt tremendous guilt and yet one went to perdition and the other the eternal redemption.

Here’s the key difference between Peter and Judas: Peter sought redemption and knew in his heart only Jesus could provide this. This is why I believe Peter was so ready to leap from the boat without waiting for the boat to turn around when John pointed out that Jesus was waiting for them on the shore. Peter was so full of guilt and he dealt with that guilt by going to Jesus. Conversely, how did Judas deal with his guilt? He sought no counsel and only relied on his own perspective before deciding to commit suicide. He couldn’t even wait 3 days. How would Judas’ life changed if he had been willing to wait just 3 days? However Judas had no faith. Believing Jesus was no more than a prophet and being filled with the same dread and guild as the other disciples he believed it was over. He had killed Jesus. I believe Judas’ greatest sin wasn’t the act of betraying Jesus, but trying to manipulate, use and rule over God and not believing Jesus was who He said He was. I believe Judas wanted to take a short cut and force Jesus’ hand and once he saw he couldn’t control God he killed himself.

I believe both Peter and Judas were equally evil. However, why do we feel good about Peter's story and empty with Judas'? It's not as much about good and evil as it is with who we look to for the answers. Men like Judas and Hitler looked to themselves and so they did wicked things up to their deaths and committed the ultimate act of spitting in God's face by taking their own lives. Conversely, men like Peter and David, who also committed great sin against God, never lost hope and ultimately looked to God as their redeemers and were changed as a result.

“Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.” Psalm 37:7

“The end of a thing is better than its beginning; The patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.” Ecclesiastes 7:8