Tuesday, March 03, 2009

The horror of the dispassionate life

I've been in a malaise for quite a while now. I feel like life is moving so much faster every day and I'm just along for this ride till the end. In some ways it would be nice to hibernate for a year or so and see if my life improves at all.

I think a contributing factor is my burn out on engineering. Engineering: a profession "I picked", or which picked me, because I used to love drawing and enjoyed drafting in high school. Little did I know what a crap sandwich engineering would be. Unethical bosses & business practices. Almost zero creative outlet. I dread the thought of actually having to get yet another engineering job. Even more so moving for one.

My problem is that I can't figure out what I want to do with my life. When I graduated college I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do. Be an engineer.

I love music, art, creativity, mentoring/discipling, discussing Jesus Christ's impact on the world as well as individuals. How do I turn this into a profession? While I must admit the thought of going to seminary is attractive, but is it what I should do? I don't feel a specific ministry calling. Art teacher? No. I don't feel this compulsion to be around kid's for 8+ hours a day.

The issue is my interests are either hobbies or part time endeavors. No wonder I'm in a malaise and now unemployed for the 5th time to boot.

I've always wanted to own my own business. Is there a way God could use this desire and open a door? I need to get out of this funk...

Anyway, I was reading Psalm 77 the other day. I found myself desiring the kind of passion the author expresses.

How do I get this kind of passion back?

I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.

When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.

I remembered you, O God, and I groaned

The psalmist groaned or moaned for God. He felt so isolated, alone dejected and yet instead of turning away from God he saught him out.

Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?

He questions God. Then immediately thinks back to God's faithfulness and blessings for the remainder of the psalm.