It’s all in the Approach: Dating advice from a Bro in Christ

So I have this holiday dinner thing at this 5 star resort Friday. Apparently this is a big deal. I was going to skip out on it, but after thinking about it I changed my mind. Unfortunately I made the mistake of stating I would be bringing a guest. Confident I could dig someone up for this event. I was wrong and as a result I’ve learned some critical lessons about male female relationships. Much of this has been gleamed from a conversation I had with a close bro in Christ last night (after 4 female friends turned me down for an opportunity to go to a 5 star resort for dinner). Obviously I’m doing something critically wrong in the way I relate to women. This bro in Christ gave me a harsh dose of reality, which I now have been challenged to think and pray about, with regards to personal application.

The box:
I’ve said for years that women make up their mind whether they’d date any given man within the first meeting. After this they place the man in a box. There are 3 boxes. The first box is the box every guy wants to be put in. That is the date or marriage minded box. The second box (where I tend to find myself) is the friendship/brother box. This is a very bad box to be in. However, this is a very easy box to get into with women. It’s also the lair of the unconfident. The third box is the creep box and no one should desire to be here.

The approach:
Why do women seem to often times place me in the friend box? My approach! This is the area my bro in Christ spent a good 30 minutes just hammering me on. He said that while I have a great sense of humor and that he’s been blessed to have me as a friend and bro in Christ in his life, women aren’t able to see any of the good parts of my personality. An ex-girlfriend once told me “I can’t know any more about you than what you tell me”, or words to that extent. In other words, a woman can’t know aspects of my personality unless I show her.

Anyway, my friend said that he’s noticed I approach almost every woman with humor and that this automatically places me in the friend/brother box. He said I have to approach every woman with complete seriousness, loving kindness and leadership. He indicated humor only comes into play after a relationship has been established or if I desire a woman to not be interested in me. He said that this is his approach and consequently he has dating options. He also said that as a consequence he struggles with relating to women as anything but dating options or non dating options.

The lesson learned here is to stay away from the friendship box at all costs. The cost may very well mean having no female friends and setting myself up for the possibility of facing real rejection (since I won’t be protecting myself with humor anymore), but the payoff is that I may very well have my best opportunity to eventually pursue a woman for marriage.


Damage control
So the question is what do I do today? How do I apply this new approach? Well unfortunately I’ve managed to find myself in the friendship box with every woman currently in my life. I confess that this is my fault and so I bare 100% of the blame here, not these women, though I want to blame them. I wasn’t confident enough in my approach and took the easy way out. My friend indicated that once you’re in a box you don’t get out. So I’m stuck in the crap box with these women, never to see the light of day. However, I put the tape on the box and sealed it shut myself.

So what’s my plan? My friend indicated that I basically need to sever my friendships with these women. He didn’t tell me to do this, but I gathered this from our conversation, my own experiences with women and conversations with some of my other bros in Christ. Now this doesn’t mean I ignore them or don’t show kindness. It just means I stop relating to these women the way I relate to my guy friends (calling them up to see what’s going on, emailing them about game nights at my house, etc…).

Another bro in Christ told me a few weeks ago that friendships with women are extremely temporary. As soon as they get a boyfriend then the friendship is essentially over or at least dramatically changed. Besides I don’t believe men and women were ever intended to be friends, outside of marriage or family anyway. May seem harsh, but I’ve not faired very well in my approach as the nice funny guy friend. Essentially people should only seek out friendships with same sex folks. A man should never seek out a friendship with a woman and vise versa. In the long run someone will get hurt. Besides there’s really no good to come from these types of friendships. As I learned from my recent experience, these supposed friendships are not really friendships at all. They are really no more than surrogate dating relationships or dating place holders until “Mr. Right” comes along. It’s a safe way for men and women to fill a deep desire in their lives with a non-committed relationship. It’s also a way for men and women to fantasize that they have more options than they really have. This is neither healthy nor Christ-like.

Conclusion:
I’ve dated about 15 or so women in my life. Probably a very small amount for a man of my age, but between these dating experiences, friendships with women and recent events I’ve come to a few conclusions and have a very good idea what needs to change.

About 8 years ago I was in some type of relationship with this woman. To this day I can’t classify it (more than a friendship but less than a committed relationship). I distinctly remember a few of our conversations. I remember how much she disliked my goofy side, when she desired to have a more serious conversation with me. She even told me one time that she really wished I would approach her more often with seriousness. However, I love to have fun, so I was serious with her when I wanted to be serious and goofy when I wanted to have fun. Looking back, though, she couldn’t get enough of me when we were having our deeper phone conversations. I couldn’t get her off the phone. From here I started to look at other relationships with women and each and every time I look back I see that all of these women were most attracted to me when I approached them with seriousness and leadership.

My friend indicated that being both serious and humorous with women confuses them. He said that it makes me look like I have two personalities and most women don’t know how to process this, so they lose any security in the relationship. Apparently women need that initial sense of security in being able to figure out men (“which box do I put him in?”).

My friend said I absolutely need to approach all the women with absolute seriousness, leadership and loving kindness. He said I need to talk as little as possible with women and let them do most of the talking. I should only talk to keep the conversation moving along or to briefly answer any of their questions. He said this may make for some crappy dates on my part, but the women may very well think they’re having one of the best dates of their lives, and that this is the point. That is the point of dating is to make the woman feel like she’s having the time of her life. He said that women are very selfish creatures and desire above all else affirmation or that a man makes them feel important or good about themselves. I must say that looking back on my life this all doesn’t seem too far from the mark, based on my personal experience.

Women, despite what they say and even what they think they believe, in their hearts they don’t really want guy friends. Women really want a man to sweep them off their feet. They want confidence, affirmation, security and leadership (in that order). Now contrast this to what I want most: friendship, physical attraction, chemistry and fun (in this order), all in Christ of course. I’ve determined that this is what has been causing me the most grief in my life with regards to women. I’ve been looking at it all wrong. I’ve been looking at it from what I want, or what turns me on, and not what women want. You see I get turned on from a fun friendship with an attractive sister in Christ, while this completely turns off the very women I’m interested in. Of course I can debate or elaborate the definition of friendship, but this is the biggest turn off with women. Work on the friendship later, much later. It may seem like you’re both pursuing a closer friendship, but in reality you’re not. Think about your close relationships with the same sex, or your family and contrast this with relationships with the opposite sex and you’ll see what I mean.

Focus first on the approach of seriousness, leadership and loving kindness. This is a very extreme/polar approach and so as a man I will get very extreme/polar reactions. If I successfully start employing this new perspective, many women (who I might ordinarily form friendships with) will not want anything to do with me, while hopefully the right woman will want everything to do with me.

As the band Tears for Fears once said, ‘everybody wants to rule the world’. In this instance, perhaps it’s more accurate to state that everyone wants to be heard and taken seriously. The best conversation most people can have is the one in which they are doing the most talking and feel like the other person is doing most of the listening. I’ve seen this with women and I can’t believe it’s only now really dawning on me. Every time a woman has indicated she really enjoyed our conversation were the times when she did most of the talking and I basically just listened. Let’s face it, people like to hear the sound of their own voice and further they really like it when they are really heard by someone else.

I’m not 100% sure how I feel about all this. I hate that I can’t be who I want to be to attract the type of woman I want. Unfortunately, the type of women I’m attracted to (apparently), aren’t attracted to the type of man I initially portray myself as being. Like my friend said, it’s not a matter of changing myself or being insincere; it’s a matter of putting a different foot forward. He told me that I was being very serious with him, so why couldn’t I approach women the same way? He’s right. I obviously have it in me, so it’s not insincere as much as it’s just a change in my approach.

In past relationships I’ve always put the fun humorous foot forward and shown my serious side later. However, I need to flip flop this and show my deeper serious side from the start. I think I’ve been hiding this because this is my more vulnerable side and I’m not a very trusting person. So people, especially women, need to earn my trust prior to seeing this side of me in a relationship. I guess women aren’t the only selfish creatures. I want what I want and they want what they want. However, as the man I need to yield my selfish desires, should I desire to ever get married, which I do.

So I’m going to start praying about applying these truths to my life. It’s not as easy as flipping a switch, but I definitely need to head in this direction. I wish this came more naturally to me. God willing He has enough grace towards me to help me to really apply this more in my life. Though my flesh selfishly desires what it wants and to protect itself, the spirit wants something significantly more important and meaningful for my life.

Example of Forgiveness

“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15)

Recently it came to my attention that someone I used to consider a friend, but now, unfortunately I must count as an enemy, has been spreading malicious & slanderous lies about me. What started out as a misunderstanding has now developed into full blown animosity and bitterness.

[Two words of wisdom I learned from the early part of this bad situation: 1. Be very very careful about giving advice. In fact try your best not to give advice, but instead encourage people to talk about their own feelings/solutions. Then in that way they can give credit to God or themselves and you can relinquish your role. 2. Be very very careful who you trust. If the angels can’t tell the wheat from the tare than how can a human being? I’ve learned the hard way that simply because someone claims to be a Christian doesn’t necessarily mean they are or even if they are, that they can be trusted.]

Anyway, during a recent long drive I was listening to Johnny Cash reads the NT. I was back in Acts and Johnny was reading chapter 7 and it struck me that I hadn’t forgiven this person. Though I don’t feel as though I’ve yet to fully forgiven this person, I did learn how serious forgiveness is. Here Steven is being stoned to death and I had to pause to reflect on the very last act he performed just before he died. “Then he knelt down and cried out with a loud voice, “Lord, do not charge them with this sin.” And when he had said this, he fell asleep.”

So what does this require of me? Here was a sinner, like myself, redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ and his last act wasn’t to curse these men, but to plead for their forgiveness. This is amazing to me. I would be praying that God would rain fire down on these men, but this sinful man, made holy by Jesus Christ, instead does the opposite of any “reasonable” man. He forgives the very men who were murdering him. If that’s not an example of a life utterly transformed by Jesus Christ I don’t know what is.

Father God, in the name of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ, I pray that you would show me, and every believer, how to love people the way you do. Show us, as you did with Stephen, through your Holy Spirit, how to love people so much we could forgive them, even as they murdered us. Instead of the left hand of vengeance, show us how to present the right hand of love and fellowship. Not for our glory, but yours. Amen.