Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Delusions of Grandeur

The following is a copy (though not exact. I added the verses for this posting, for example) of an email I sent to a friend of mine in response to his encouragement for me to attend seminary. While I whole-heartedly appreciate his encouragement and the friends God has blessed me with. I'm continually forced to contemplate the extent of wickedness in my own heart (i.e. my selfish motivations). Perhaps I'm seeing sin where there is none, or at the very least over exaggerating my negative motivations, however, I prefer to accept this sin and thus my ever present need of Jesus Christ.

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Not 100% sure of seminary as I was before. Kind of realizing my motivation may have been driven more by my desire for change then a true calling, at least right now. To be honest, most of the men I've met or known or seen preach, who attended seminary seem to have big heads full of knowledge which has, for the most part, been divorced from their hearts. Out of touch/clueless men trying to touch the hearts of the flocks entrusted to them. Christianity isn't a form of learned knowledge, at least not when compared to knowing Jesus Christ. We would have no need of the Holy Spirit if our own intellect could achieve holiness or true wisdom (Job 28:28, Proverbs 1:7 & Proverbs 9:10). You don't study someone to bond with, relate and love them. You live and share life with them, you don't study them. In the case of Jesus Christ we all do need to study His word, but we shouldn't study it as one would study a history book. We most definitely should pray, but not as if speaking to thin air, but as speaking with our king.

So I'm forced to ask myself the question: What is my motivation in desiring to attend seminary? Am I hoping seminary will open a door God alone is somehow incapable of opening? If I am then this is most definitely a wrong motivation. Do I desire seminary because I want to meet and marry a supposedly truly godly woman? If I am then this is also a bad, as God is fully able to do this with or without my help, let alone seminary. Do I desire seminary to be able to wield the knowledge and wisdom of the word as a sword to strike down those who would oppose me? This would be a most heinous and wicked reason to attend seminary. However, if I feel God stirring in my heart a burning desire to know His son Jesus Christ through discipleship and mentoring with and by godly men. If I feel I'm humble enough in spirit to handle the knowledge the Holy Spirit can use through me to comfort and minister to others, then this is a more noble and godly calling to attend seminary. It's always about Jesus Christ and Him crucified. It's about Him changing my appearance into His image. It's NEVER about me and my glory or personal knowledge. Knowledge, as with any gift God showers upon us, is a crown, which should decorate the area around the feet of Jesus Christ and not any of our heads.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Comments and stuff

After contemplating what I wrote combined with the below comments, it seems clear that my previous posting (False Advertising) was far more self absorbed then I had orginally intended. My comments below seem to only reinforce this, so that's why I've taken it off. My comment also seems whiny, cheesy, repetative and cliched. I don't know what got into me. Unfortunately, for me, writing can often times reveal emotions I keep buried far beneath the surface. This is why writing has been such a great outlet for me. However, as with anything, we sinful humans can turn anything into a piece of crap. I fear that until my current situation/trial passes, my articles won't look as they did. I will continue to try to write; in hopes that one-day I can look back at how I looked at the world and my relationship with the Lord while in duress. I guess I am apologetically me in the end.

Perhaps it's time that I look back at my journals from the last major trial I faced about 4 or 5 years ago? See if I've actually learned anything since then.

Anyway, for those who read my previous article, my intention was to point out how terrible Christian singles are being ministered to. To point out that no Christian single should ever have to resort to an Internet service for any kind of fellowship, especially regarding finding a compatible mate. However, yet again someone else has picked up the football the church has dropped.

My prayer, if it's ever God's will for me to be married, is that I would marry a woman who has a genuine love and concern for singles. So many folks can't wait to get married and leave that loser single life style behind them. As a matter of fact, it seems as though this mentality can be observed at all stages of life. For the most part, high schoolers don't want to minister to middle schoolers and college adults don't want to minister to high schoolers and singles don't want to disciple college adults and married don't want to minister to singles and older marrieds with kids don't want to minister to younger couples and the golden oldies only want to minister to their own generation. There's very little reaching out.

I'm taking 2 weeks of real estate training and I ate lunch with an older guy (late 50's/early 60's) today. He told me that he's a retired USAF guy, is married and has a few grown up boys. I brought up church and ministries and he said that he teaches a Sunday school class for older married couples. I said that I had helped out with the middle schoolers at my previous church. He said that he didn't feel comfortable dealing with folks outside of his comfort zone. I sensed a bit of guilt. Deep down he knows he should be stepping out of his comfort zone. Why isn't his pastor or friends encouraging and challenging him to step out? It's obvious this guy has a lot of life under his belt. He could probably really be a good mentor for younger marrieds, singles and even college. Anyway, this guy seems like a straight shooter and he's former military, so I like him. God willing over the next week I'll be able to sit down with him a few more times for lunch. Perhaps God will give me the opportunity to encourage this guy? Perhaps God will give him the opportunity to encourage me? Either way, I pray Jesus Christ would be glorified.

Beaner said...
Sorry Bill, this just isn't you, man

Fri Jun 16, 07:45:12 PM EDT
John David Henderson said...
Who can read all that? I think your looking for a woman who is willing to give you a good kick in the ass when you need it and then support you through the situation. Don't know how they would politely say that. Really these profile things are largely composed of who we aspire to be. When we have much grace flowing then we hit that mark. Some hit their mark more than others. Overall this is less like a load of bull and more like a wish list. That in itself says something usefull about you.

Sat Jun 17, 12:08:18 AM EDT
redeemed said...
A string of disappointments recently in my life has left me feeling differently about my life. Perhaps more apathetic? Perhaps more despondent? Either way "it's not easy being green". ;)The story behind this article is that I moved to another city with the hope of a new and better job. I gave up a great church, great area and great godly consistent fellowship (in a small group). With my present position of being without consistent Christian fellowship I decided to try a dating site in hopes of meeting people more quickly. Only I've found that I have to be single minded about marriage if I'm going to get involved with these sites and I'm not. Yes I desire marriage, but I desire a community of believers much more right now. I can't stand how much of a false idol marriage is in the Christian community. It's so destructive and selfish. I highly doubt any of the people on this dating site would give a darn about helping me get plugged in. Their only concern is finding a mate. That's it and I thinks there's something very wrong with that.This article is kind of a preliminary article to 2 or 3 articles I'm going to write on singleness. Agree with it, disagree with it. Like it or dislike it. I really don't care! If you don't like that I'm a single guy who wants to get married then you don't have to read this blog. If you don't like that I'm going through a really tough time in my life right now, then don't read my blog. If you don't like my attitude and only have criticisms to offer, then don't read my blog. If however, you're a friend and are truly concerned about me; then say a prayer.I'm unapologetically me. Warts and all. If you're looking for perfection look to Jesus Christ, otherwise expect wretchedness for a wretched man.
Sun Jun 18, 05:23:46 PM EDT

gladforgrace said...
Praying

Sun Jun 18, 09:20:07 PM EDT
gladforgrace said...
Hey Bill,Brother, please fight for the TRUTH that God is not only powerful and soveriegn but good. GOOD to you personally.I'm copying and pasting an email that a pastor wrote to me about a year ago. I've made (very) small changes (like changing my name to yours) so that it applies to you. I hope that it encourages you..."Even in this season, "be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might (Ephesians 6:10)." Try to re-acknowledge that it is not about Bill, it is not in Bill's strength, nor is it for Bill's glory that ANY of this is taking place. You are God's child. It is all about God, Spirit. It is in Christ's strength and for the glory of Jesus that you are here. Please meditate on and ponder these texts:Philippians 2:12-13 Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for IT IS GOD who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.These verses are paradoxical but SO important to reflect upon. Live the mystery of the profound effort required of you while fully, completely and utterly relying upon God's work in you.Philippians 4:4-8 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice (Fight for this Bill!-gfg) Let your reasonableness be known to everyone (never forget that you are being watched!). The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything (it's a command Bill), but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God (cry out to Him first and most). And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (this is a promise, Bill --- trust it!). Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things (you've got a command, a promise, and now an assignment -- fix your mind on the good things of God and He will come through for you.)Psalm 23:6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever. Literally, David said that God's goodness and mercy will pursue you. I want for you to be strong and pursue peace, contentment etc. But what a treat to know that He is in pursuit of you. Every night before you go to sleep and each morning as you rise and throughout your day, remind yourself that God the Father desires to shower goodness and mercy upon you. Such meditations will get you through Bill."
Sun Jun 18, 09:43:49 PM EDT

John David Henderson said...
Warts? That wasn't in the profile. ;)

Mon Jun 19, 01:15:14 AM EDT
Anonymous said...
Bill, even though this is a very tough time for you perhaps it is also an oppertunity. This is a chance to really give everything over to God and try not to worry about the future. Our nature is to try to figure out why things happen and the desire to know everything. If our faith is truely in God then we must give up that desire and seek to get closer to Him. I know this is much easier said than done but I ask you to try seek God harder and give your worries to Him.I remember when a good friend of mine lost his job a few years back. He took it as an oppertunity to seek and trust God. To this day he says that was the closest to God that he has ever been. I will keep you in my prayers.

Later,
Tom

Mon Jun 19, 12:37:05 PM EDT
Greg Hiser said...
Got nothing practical to add here, Bill. I know how ya feel, though. Have been considering applying for entry-level biotech jobs, just to get in an area close to family/friends. Hangin' right there with ya, bro.
Mon Jun 19, 04:22:45 PM EDT

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Unsure of Myself (Psalm 39)

I'm unsure how often I will be posting. Perhaps I will post some poems I wrote? Perhaps this will turn into more of a journal? I have so much on my mind and yet so little (if that makes any sense). I have no idea where I'm going in my life or what my life experiences, thus far, have amounted to. For sure, from a worldly perspective my life is a complete failure on so many levels. I'm trusting in the Lord that He has a better plan for my life. I'm trusting that all these trials I've faced in my life and all of these experiences actually add up to something significant.

I'm praying for encouragement in the form of seeing open doors. My prayer and desire is to be married and that me and my wife could partner in a full time ministry. However, my reality is that I'm currently unemployed with no direction for my life both professionally and spiritually and only closed doors before my eyes. However, I'm praying, reading the Bible and I'm seeking out any and all opportunities in my life.

During my vacation last week (mostly during the plane rides) I read about half of 'The Journals of Jim Elliot'. Very interesting read. Very interesting to take a peek almost 60 years in the past. It's been very interesting to read how much Jim struggled with God's will and direction for his life, both in ministry and marriage. I may post more thoughts on this book once I've finished it. For now, though, I'll just share the following chapter from Psalms that Jim referenced in his book:

Psalm 39
I said, “I will guard my ways, Lest I sin with my tongue; I will restrain my mouth with a muzzle,
While the wicked are before me.”
I was mute with silence, I held my peace even from good; And my sorrow was stirred up.
My heart was hot within me; While I was musing, the fire burned. Then I spoke with my tongue: “LORD, make me to know my end, And what is the measure of my days, That I may know how frail I am. Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths, And my age is as nothing before You; Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor. Surely every man walks about like a shadow; Surely they busy themselves in vain; He heaps up riches, And does not know who will gather them.”
“And now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You. Deliver me from all my transgressions; Do not make me the reproach of the foolish. I was mute, I did not open my mouth, Because it was You who did it. Remove Your plague from me; I am consumed by the blow of Your hand. When with rebukes You correct man for iniquity, You make his beauty melt away like a moth; Surely every man is vapor.
“Hear my prayer, O LORD, And give ear to my cry; Do not be silent at my tears; For I am a stranger with You, A sojourner, as all my fathers were. Remove Your gaze from me, that I may regain strength, Before I go away and am no more.”